


"i can barely say your name"

by thekriss



Series: Southern Constellations [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Tags to be added, office worker!oikawa tooru, whoops, writer!iwaizumi hajime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:18:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9102115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekriss/pseuds/thekriss
Summary: Iwaizumi loves Oikawa and Oikawa loves Iwaizumi, and as long as Iwaizumi's sure of that, everything will be fine.And he's definitely sure.Definitely...Maybe not 100%, butmostlysure.Probably.





	1. without you to hold i'll be freezing

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back with the shitty fanfics y'all :^))))

     “Heyyyy~ I’m home.” 

     Oikawa’s voice is faint, his breathing is ragged, his eyes shine. 

     Hajime smiles and nods from his place at the couch, a book in hand and cup of coffee long gone cold and sitting, forgotten, on the table beside him. “Welcome back.” 

     A frown mars his lover’s perfect, flawless face. “Why can’t you be more enthusiastic about it, Iwa-chan?” 

      _Because there’s no way you’d work this late._ The clock reads 3:49 A.M., but Hajime doesn’t say anything about it. 

      _Because you reek of alcohol and another man’s cologne._ None of his colleagues are close enough to want to go drinking together, but Hajime stays quiet about that, too. 

      _Because you’re obviously not happy with me, but I’m too selfish to give you up myself._

     Hajime hesitates too long. Oikawa changes subjects.“... well, I’m sure you’re just tired. I’m off to bed! You coming?” 

     “Yeah, just gonna finish up a couple more pages.” 

     Oikawa leaves after sending a quick smile Hajime’s way, and their house feels the same the moment he is alone again. Normal. Quiet. Empty. 

     He never does join Oikawa that night, instead leaving his partner to worry whether Hajime will get enough sleep or not. 

* * *

     “Say, Iwa-chan, you wanna come visit my workplace today? We’re having an annual party and my coworkers want to meet the roommate that stuck with me since high school.” 

     “Eh?” 

     The two of them are curled up on the couch - on separate ends, not touching one another - and watching the latest news from America. 

     “My work. The office sort of thing, remember?” 

     “Ehh… not tonight. I was going to go to a book signing. Another time?” 

     Oikawa’s smile doesn’t waver. “Oh! That’s fine! I hope you enjoy it, then!” He tosses the blankets off himself - it’s been getting colder recently - and makes towards their room. “I’m gonna get ready now, and maybe hang out with a couple of friends before. See you later?” 

     Hajime’s heart drops, but he returns the smile. “Yeah, ‘course. Have fun.” 

     He doesn’t pay attention to the television anymore, instead wondering how long it’s been since this strain in their relationship threatened to destroy them. 

* * *

     Half of the meal Hajime had prepared sits on the dinner table, covered now, because he’d finally realized that Oikawa wouldn’t be making it this time. 

     Like most nights. 

     He pulls out the typewriter his parents had gotten him years ago, and decided he’s going to write a book. 

     Not a book, exactly, but more like a collection of short stories. 

     He plans on writing all night, and knows that at least a couple of them will be finished by the time he finally stops, so he prepares. 

     A pack of cigarettes and a lighter. 

     Coffee machine and water on the counter beside him. 

     Piles and piles and piles of paper. 

     Enough ink to last a lifetime. 

     Last but not least, all his favourite vinyls stacked next to the record player. 

     And with these things, Hajime begins a long long night of pouring his thoughts and feelings and troubles into his words. 

* * *

     It’s probably at the fifth stroke that he awakens, but it’s not until the thirteenth that he finally moves. 

     “-kawa?” Hajime rolls over under the sheets and - wait, when did he get in bed? 

     He’s still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, but his socks are gone, and he’s nestled deep underneath the blankets and curled against Oikawa, who is still softly combing through Hajime’s hair. 

     “Oh, um, hey-” he starts to pull his hand back, face flushing a beautiful scarlet, but Hajime grabs his wrist. 

     “No. I like it.” 

     Oikawa relaxes, and continues running his fingers through Hajime’s hair. It's short and probably stiff from the gel he'd applied the other day, but Oikawa’s long, capable fingers sift through it so tenderly that Hajime feels like he's missed something. 

     Hajime slides his arms around Oikawa’s torso and turns his face towards him, presses his lips against the base of his throat. His partner's once steady breathing falters. 

     He closes his eyes, gathers all the courage he can - and then pauses as his heart breaks all over again when he realizes that he needs courage to say: “I love you, Tōru.” 

     A broken sob escapes Oikawa’s lips and he lets out a ragged breath against Hajime’s shoulder. “Iwa-chan, you idiot.” He grabs Hajime’s face and peppers kisses all over until Hajime’s eyebrows furrow up in the middle and he kisses there, too, before tucking his boyfriend's head beneath his chin and finally, _finally_ , saying to him, “You've never beaten me at anything, Iwa-chan, and you won't beat me at this either. I loved you first and I'll love you the longest. The most. I am passionately, desperately, hopelessly in love with you, Iwaizumi Hajime.” 

     They lay together in bed for a moment longer until it dawns on both of them that they should probably call in sick at work. 

     “My partner was super sick last week, and even though I was overjoyed that he got better, I ended up catching his cold! Forgive me?” is Oikawa’s excuse. His boss lets him off easy, since he's just won 6000 yen on a running bet in the office regarding Oikawa’s sexuality - not that the man being bet on had any idea. 

     “My roommate came home piss drunk in the wee hours of the morning. I don't trust him to not break anything this time. Reschedule for tomorrow?” is Hajime’s. It's a valid reason, too, since Oikawa has come home piss drunk in the wee hours of the morning and broken something. That thing being Hajime’s heart, that is. 

     “Wanna watch a movie, Iwa-chan? I'll even let you choose, so let Oikawa-san hold you the whooole time.” 

     Hajime sits up and slings a leg over Oikawa so he's straddling him. “Or we could do something else…” 

     They end up making love ‘til noon, and spend the rest of the day attached to one another's side. The familiarity of it shocks Hajime, and he falls asleep smiling in Oikawa’s embrace when he thinks about how much he’s missed this. 

* * *

     Two weeks later and their newfound bliss has completely crumbled. Oikawa comes home late, intoxicated and indifferent, and Hajime sleeps at his desk. It's no good for his back, nor his confidence. 

      _I'll join him tonight,_ he thinks. _I'll go to bed and if he acts like everything's okay then I will, too._

     After a quick shower, he makes his way to their bedroom, then pauses when he hears Oikawa talking. And… laughing? 

     “Yeah, yeah, of course I wanna see you tomorrow, you know I have to… Same place, same time works for me… No, no, don't worry about him.” Hajime hears a voice from the other end speaking rather quickly - like they’re in a rush or maybe annoyed. 

     Oikawa’s voice becomes cold, but not in an overtly obvious way. “No. Iwaizumi doesn’t need to know, and you will not tell him. Ever.” 

     The voice replies, softer and pleading this time. Oikawa glares at the wall and answers, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll see you tomorrow then.” 

      _Oh_. 

     Hajime goes back to his desk and pulls out his typewriter, along with a bottle of whiskey that he'd been saving for a special occasion. He finishes up with what might be the most terrifying short he's ever written before swallowing the last few sips from the bottle and passing out cold. 

     Maybe a romance like theirs just isn’t made to last long. 


	2. you don't hold me anymore

     It's been over a month since Hajime overheard Oikawa’s phone call with his lover, and his situation has gotten… better? 

     He published a few of his stories and landed a part time job as an editor thanks to some strings a friend of his pulled. Oikawa got promoted to a position in management and won’t have to work such long hours anymore. The both of them finished off their student loans and were able to relax at the feeling of being debt free. And - the best part yet - Oikawa didn’t come home so late as often as he used to, and when he did it was usually because work held him back. Saying that things have improved a lot wasn’t too far of a stretch. 

     But something still feels _wrong_. 

     So when Oikawa calls him out of the blue on a Tuesday afternoon saying there was something serious he needed to talk about when they got home, Hajime’s paranoia got the best of him. He spends the rest of the workday worrying about what it was that Oikawa wants to discuss. 

     It’s a relatively nice day so Hajime opts for walking to the train station rather than catching a bus. He used to spend more time outdoors, when he was at the height of his youth and riding to the top of the ever growing wave of authors that wrote about nature with the most attentive of details. As he takes his time strolling through the grey, bare trees, Hajime wonders why he stopped writing such things. It was enjoyable, and really helped with stress relief while he was in school but now - now he just writes all his anxieties and fears and insecurities and people just eat them up. 

     And there he goes, back to thinking about Oikawa. 

      _He’s probably going to tell me about his affair._

     Hajime doesn’t really enjoy thinking such pessimistic thoughts, but it’s better than always being optimistic and ending up let down too many times. And so his thoughts continue on their downward spiral till he gets off the train station and begins walking home, which is when his brain goes on autopilot and he makes plans for dinner. By the time he’s walked up the stairs and opened the front door, he’d decided on just ordering a pizza. 

     But Oikawa is in the kitchen, stovetop on and fan whirring. The room is thick with the smell of tomato sauce and garlic bread, which Hajime spots in the oven as he pulls his boots off. 

     "I'm home." 

     Oikawa turns to the door, and his face splits in two with the size of his grin. “Welcome back. I’m making spaghetti. Because it’s probably the only thing I can make without your help. Garlic bread, too. Everybody loves garlic bread.” 

     Hajime smiles as he takes off the rest of his outerwear. “Yeah. I’m gonna take a bath before we eat. That okay?” 

     "Yeah, yeah, go." 

     Hajime shuffles into the bathroom, pulling his belt off and tossing it over a chair on his way, and catches Oikawa’s eyes following his every move. Their eyes meet and Oikawa throws Hajime a sheepish smile. 

     "Can I join?" 

* * *

     heir bath isn’t really made for two grown men, but Oikawa doesn’t have a sense of personal space to begin with; that isn’t really the problem. The problem is how tense the atmosphere has become. It’s never been like this, but then again, the two of them haven’t bathed together in nearly a year, so it feels more like two strangers helping each other out than an intimate moment between lovers. 

     "Hey, Iwa-chan?" 

     "Yeah?" 

     “Why are you so averse to me calling you by your first name?” 

     Hajime flinches - visibly, it seems, as Oikawa’s hands stop moving and come to a rest where they stopped on his lower back. 

     “It’s not… that I’m averse to it. It’s just that… if we were to split up… I just feel like it’d become something like a bad memory. I don’t know, I guess, it’s just stupid.” 

     Oikawa leans so his forehead is pressed against the wide expanse of Hajime’s upper back and nods once. “Oh. I get it.” His voice cracks. 

     Hajime spins, confused, and is shocked to find tears glistening in Oikawa’s eyes. “O-oi! Why’re you crying?” 

     “Why wouldn’t I be crying?! You might has well have said that you expected our relationship to end someday! Is that what you think? That it’s only a matter of time till we split up? I told you before, Iwa-chan, you’re the only one for me!” 

     Hajime blinks, unable to say anything. Oikawa pounces onto his silence. “Well, of course you didn’t expect us to stay together. I’m a piece of shit and clingy and really, I mean, there’s literally nothing I’ve got going for myself, so it really is a mystery, Iwa-!” 

     He stops talking when Hajime locks his lips over Oikawa’s. Soft lips chafe under even softer ones, and Oikawa tilts his head into Hajime’s hand that’d gone up to gently cradle his head. Oikawa sighs into Hajime’s mouth, slipping his tongue inside with ease. Hajime lets his other hand drift up to Oikawa’s face and even as their kissing intensifies, as the sounds of their breathing grows louder and their desire makes the air thick, his hands hold Oikawa’s face gently. 

     “Tōru.” It sounds more like a caress than a word when it fell from Hajime’s lips. Oikawa feels his heart tighten. “Tōru. Tōru. Tōru. I love you.” 

     The next few moments pass in a blur, with Hajime finding a bottle of lotion, Oikawa stopping him just short of stretching himself open, and instead guiding Hajime’s finger down towards himself. 

     “Hajime,” he means to say, but it comes out as a moan when Hajime presses his tongue onto a pert nipple. 

     “Mm?” His lover kisses his way back up to Oikawa’s lips, gently biting at them before pulling away. 

     Oikawa tilts his head back and opens his legs wider. I’m all yours is what his body language says. 

     Hajime helps himself. 

* * *

     “Geez, Iwa-chan, I don’t know where you get all that stamina from. I’m too old to do it more than once.” They’d taken a quick shower after - quick because Tōru’s a pussy who can’t do more than five rounds before his limbs become jelly. 

     “I’m not the one who came seven times, Tōru.” Hajime trails a hand down Tōru’s abdomen, smiling into his shoulder when he feels the other man shiver. 

     The two lie in bed together, as comfortable as a couple can get in the middle of a winter night with no heating. All the blankets in their home have been piled onto the bed, and Hajime is wrapped around Tōru underneath it all. They’re in no real hurry to go to sleep just yet, as simply being in the company of the other is enough for the two of them. 

     “Well, I have you to thank for that, _Hajime_. You can’t blame me for being weak to your sinful techniques. I know how much smut you’ve written.” 

     Hajime grins, but it only lasts for a second. “I’ve got to ask you something.” 

     Tōru turns, expression serious. “Alright. Best we get everything off our chests now, since I’ve got something I need to tell you, too.” 

     A quick nod, a shaky breath, a swift return of Hajime’s previous anxiety. _How do you ask someone something like that? Especially after you just slept with them? What do I do if he really is having an affair?_ The questions that he’d been trying so hard not to think about come flooding back to the forefront of his mind and Hajime decides. 

     “Are you seeing someone else?” 

     Tōru raises an eyebrow, mouth already quirked up as though he were about to laugh, but then he sees the seriousness of the question in Hajime’s eyes. 

     “God. How long have you been thinking that?” 

     “About half a year now, I think.” He can’t meet Tōru’s eyes, not now when he’s about to finally put his suspicions to rest. 

     So he doesn’t see when Tōru’s face crumples momentarily, when his eyes threaten to tear up for the second time that night when he realizes what feelings and doubts that his stupid habits had forced Hajime to suffer through. 

     " _No_. I’d never cheat on you Hajime. You’re probably tired of hearing this from me so many times, but I really have no intention to love anyone but you for the rest of my life. Unless you ever wanted kids. I’d love them with my entire being, but I’d be doing that with you. Also, I’m not the type of man to do something as irresponsible as having an affair when I have someone as good to me as you, Iwa-chan. I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. Because I think I know why you’ve been thinking that, and it’s entirely my fault. I’m sorry.” 

     Hajime exhales, breathing hard all of a sudden. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath. “Eh? You’re not? Seriously? But you used to come home so late every night and you were always drunk and lying about where you were and… geez, I sound super controlling.” He rolls onto his back, both hands behind his head and heart on his sleeve. “What were you doing?” 

     Tōru rolls over, too, onto his side so he can prop himself up with one arm and talk with Hajime face to face. “It’s really stupid. I’m beyond ashamed of it.” 

     A single raised eyebrow prompts him to continue. 

     Tōru chuckles nervously. “The thing is… I had a gambling problem for a while and about a year ago my debt became too great for some people to ignore - some really bad people.” 

     “You had… a gambling addiction?!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet you fuckers didnt see that coming

**Author's Note:**

> oops?


End file.
